I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying.

I'm currently feeling quite distressed and lonely. I haven't cried like I have for the past 2 days for a long time, it's constant every time I look at my wall I see pictures of me and him or letters or when I'm online I see messages he has left me or pictures of us together even just being on my bed it reminds me of him.

There's this one time we were sitting on my bed when we'd only been going out 6 months and I was putting my make-up on in the mirror and Matthew was sitting on my bed waiting, suddenly "6 months - hey Monday" came on and i started singing it to him and I sat on his lap and we were laughing because I was being silly whilst singing to him.
Now I can't even listen to that song or look at the end of my bed.

I really miss him reader, I have no idea how he coped when I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks in August.
It's only been 3 days no contact but it feels like forever, I feel like we just broke up or something. I'm so scared of losing him.
God knows when he's going to get a new laptop it would be week or even months.

Atleast I know he's missing me too I got an inbox from him today on facebook telling me that the screen is totally broken and he's had no way of talking to me.
He told me he loved me forever and always, it felt so nice to see the words "i love you" again, those three words were typed just for me from someone i care so much about felt amazing.

I just thought i'd write down what i'm feeling right now since blogging stops me crying like a baby.
I'll leave you with the "6 months" lyrics.

I love you, it felt nice typing that again.

Goodnight reader.

6 Months - Hey Monday.

"You're the direction I follow to get home
When I feel like I can't go on, you tell me to go
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees
'cause you have that effect on me, you do

Everything you say
Everytime we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

Months going strong now, and no goodbye
Unconditional, unoriginal
Always by my side
Meant to be together
Meant for no one but each other
You love me, I love you harder so

Everything you say
Everytime we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal the heart
As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine

Oh and everything you say
Everytime we kiss, I can't think straight
But I'm okay
And I can't think of anybody else
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

So please, give me your hands
So please, just take my hand"

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

I just had the strangest dream ever.
I never write my dreams down but this one is particularly strange, so here is what I remember:

I started off in total wipe out the tv show and i was alot skinner than i am normally i was wearing shorts knee pads, helmet etc.. and the other contestant was next to me and we were sitting on the launch pads (if you don't watch total wipe out it's these things you jump on it's like a trampoline)Fern Cotton was the host for some reason and she was asking us questions about if we can do the course and health and safety. Oh by the way the total wipe out course was indoors which is also strange and it was quite dark.

Anyway, Me and this guy starts the course (were both doing the huge course together) and i start to win and he pushes me off and I grab him so he falls off with me, when we land he starts arguing with me and pushes me and i push him back but that's when Georgie Sneadon walks over (my drama teacher) but she was walking on water! and Hannah (my other drama teacher) was swimming behind her.
Georgie starts shouting at me because I pushed this guy and told be that she was thinking about kicking me out of drama anyway but i have made the decision for her but I try the justify myself by blaming the guy saying he pushed me first but it didn't work so i say "oh yeah? so that means your not my drama teacher anymore?" she answers with a nod and the next thing I know I've pulled her glasses off her face and beat her up with Hannah just watching.

The next thing I know I'm in jail but it's surrounded with water and I could hear the Total Wipe out music and an Audience. Georgie and Hannah are standing guard of the jail which kind of looks like my downstairs toilet. I looked up and see a window it's quiet small and rectangular with a handle. I climb up to the ledge and see an Iphone belonging to the guy who pushed me, i took it of course. I manage to get out with Georgie not far behind! I'm racing through the Total wipe out course with my drama teacher chasing me!

I manage to get away with iphone still in hand and these people surround me, I think they must of been my friends because they were nice but i've never seen them before but i seemed to know them in my dream. Anyway I tell them what happened previously and they said "we know we was watching you in the audience"

Next thing i know i was like in a corridor with lots of people and doors going off everywhere with security stood by them and i'm hiding behind Fred (a guy i know) telling him that this is where i was when i saw the people from Kerrang! and they made me go on Total Wipe out, he said okay and took me into the nearest shop.

It was full of sweets Fred bent down and started to look into a packets of sweets I joined him we wasn't looking for long when a huge black man was standing behind us telling us to freeze. We stopped still the security guy pointed a flash light at us and told us to shake our t shirts, we did obeying his command and then he said "have you two ever thought...." THEN I WOKE UP!!

I wanted to know what he was going to say!!
well, anyway that was my dream I thought I should share it with you.

Goodbye Reader.

In the witching hour Of a tropic night, Did a careless moonbeam Leave you in its flight?

Ah fuck, I hate the exorcist. I never, ever want to see it! I only just need to see the girls face and I shit myself! It's quite ridiculous really, I'm overly scared of something I hardly know anything about. Jeez, it needs to be banned or something.

Why do I insist scaring myself senseless by watching "I believe in ghosts: Joe Swash."? I don't usually get scared of ghost programmes it's just cause he showed the exorcist girl >.<

I had a lovely bath today come to think of it I don't actually remember the last time I just relaxed in the bath. I've always been in a rush for college when I've been in the bath.

But today I laid there read some of my book, washed my hair and shaved my legs uber chilled out. Lovely. I need to make a habit of it I think.

I'm missing Matthew a lot today, I haven't spoke to him for nearly 2 days since his laptop is broken and his long hours at work this week.

Finally he came online, I feel so much happier now!

I really don't know what else to say, bushface is a legend.

Goodnight reader.

“The main thing in one's own private world is to try to laugh as much as you cry.”

Don't you just hate thinking sometimes, it's like your original train of thought just goes on and on and on and on.....till you're back to where you started.

Completely pointless if you ask me, we just make ourself care about things we wouldn't normally care about just because it happened in a dream or came into our train of thought.

All that to one side, I do love laying here late at night and staring at the ceiling, staring so hard just trying to see if you're part super hero and see if i can see in the dark or my personal favourite; thinking i can see something which i know isn't there but then you get so in depth with what you can see you start to believe it's there and get kind of scared.

I'm strange I know.

I'm not even entirely sure why i'm writing this blog, there was no reason for it I was quite enjoying my thought session whilst sniffing my fragranced fingers (I just moisturised, I'm not that weird).

In all honesty reader I'm so tired but I'm looking at the clock and thinking i really can't be bothered to settle down and sleep yet, even though i know tomorrow morning I'm going to regret my decision of staying up and writing this pointless blog. But that is something for me to worry about at 7:20am.

I was thinking reader, people are way too open about their personal thoughts these days (myself included) we have facebook, twitter, myspace etc... and everyone knows what everyone else is doing, possibly before the person them self knows.

Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy?

A voice inside my head thinks that the government took it years ago or are even setting up these social networks to keep a tap on us.

It was only the other week i was watching the news and i heard the Chinese Government had tapped into someone's email account and arrested them for something they wrote.

It's truly ridiculous in my opinion, maybe we should hold back some information since we really don't know who is reading these things about us.

Maybe there has never been any privacy and we just like to think there was.

Maybe they have us where they want us?

That's food for thought.

Goodnight Reader.

To exist is to change; to change is to mature; to mature is to create oneself endlessly.

They say there are three grand essentials to happiness in this life they are: something to do, something to love and something to hope for. I'm lucky enough to say I either have that or it is possible for me to have.

These past few days have been quite good for me, I can say that i'm happy, i'm content, i'm finally accepting myself. If you said that to me a week or so ago i wouldn't believe you, but i'm glad I feel alot better.

I thought to myself life is way too short to be upset, just because i'm not with Matthew now doesn't mean I will never see him ever again, I should make it something to look forward to, which is one step closer to happiness in life.

I don't know if it's the sleep or something else but I realised i'm really lucky, I have someone who loves me and puts up with anything, a family who cares about me and friends who would do anything for me.

I may not feel like I fit in sometimes but that's their problem for not wanting to know me and I really shouldn't let it bother me that much.

Reader, Why did it take me this long to realise this?

I've wasted way too much time worrying what people think and getting upset about it.

Now, i'm only looking after number one and those close to me.

I'm glad I realised this, it's better late than never.

“You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.”

come on fingers type, let your feelings lay bare for the world to see

oh reader, you know those days you just have too much emotion and you just can't contain it any more?

Well today is one of those days for me and god I hate them!

Just when I thought I was getting over things, getting better and people maybe are just starting to understand me again I realise I wasn't. It was just what I wanted, I wanted it so much that actually when I see the reality that actually nothing has changed at all. It's like I took 3 steps forward and 2 steps back all in the space of one day.

Don't get me wrong I have friends and they mean the world to me, but I just wish that I had the confidence to fit in more with them and their other friends. I've tried and I thought i was succeeding, well I was but I sometimes feel like they won't even notice I'm gone. That I will be the girl they'll be like "oh do you remember that red headed girl...what was her name again?" that will be me.

Maybe I should just accept that I just wont ever fit in.

On top of all that I feel the worse girlfriend in the world, when I should really be with my boyfriend I am hundreds, thousands of miles away ¬_¬

What use is that?

How can I be a proper girlfriend if I'm not there when he really needs me?

I think all I need is a long cuddle, I feel really lonely.

I'm missing my boyfriend so so so much! and I'm finally coming to terms that I wont see him for another 6 months, after not seeing him for 3 months already and it's beginning to effect me emotionally.

Ah maybe I'm just being an emo, reader.

But I feel like no one will listen to me who actually gives a fuck, including you I bet.

I'm going to sleep on it I guess reader, maybe it's the lack of sleep and worry of last night that has taken it's toll on me.

To end on a good note, I must say that Bayonetta looks like a sick game and I shall be investing in a copy soon.

To whom it may concern;

I know nothing i can say or do can change your mind.

I bet you kinda get a kick out my distress, the way I pour my heart out to you and my pleading.

You got me thinking, I don't plead it's just not me, that isn't the Lucy you once knew.

I'm going to toughen up.

You know how much you mean to me.

You know how long it will take me to get over you.

I can't let you go this easy, not without a fight.

You asked for reasons to stay and I'm not going to give you them, I'm simply going to make you realise that this is a mistake.

I know every little bit of you from your head to you toes, no one knows you like I do.

You even said that you're going to marry me one day and I couldn't wait to see how it would end up.

Why would you want to sabotage all the time we have spent together? what little time we have been together between all the distance.

People judge us but we was proving a point that we can work even with the distance, I love the way we both laugh when people ask "how do you cope?" cause we know we cope just fine.

The first day you met me, I still remember it clear as day, we got lost but we didn't let it get our spirits down.

I remember butterflies i felt when i saw you standing there with your coffee and the way you pretended not to see me.

The way i turned away when you tried to kiss me, and when you finally got the courage to kiss me again on the bench.

I know your probably thinking I am pleading still, and this is just some soppy crap and it serves no point. Tbh it probably is but it's all the lame things that come to mind when I think about you.

I know you love me, deep down and I know you know that I love you.

Why would I have all your soppy love letters and cards on my wall if I didn't?

Why would i have kept your lucky dragon all these months?

You know as well as i do that this is probably one of the biggest mistakes we will ever make, if this happens today.

Don't let it happen yet, we've still got our whole life to go.

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.

come on fingers type, let your feelings lay bare for the world to see.

This is my first Blog, it probably won't get much attention but that doesn't mean I can't give it my all, does it?

I'm a girl of few words but I will try my best to keep you, the reader entertained.

To be completely honest with you Reader the whole reason for me to write this Blog is a mixture of the following:

Boredom, curiosity and I needed a new craze for 2010. Sad? I know.

Since my last craze; Project 365 which quite quickly went down the pan I thought id start my very own Blog which is already is a failure (in my opinion).

One thing that's really got me going at the moment is the sheer stupidity of people these days, they really don't deserve the brain they were born with.

I was searching a website a couple of nights ago and I came across a tattoo with such a simple grammar mistake, don't get me wrong we are all human and all make mistakes but on a tattoo?!

Correct me if i'm wrong but if you were going to have a tattoo you would put a bit more research or even spell checks into the tattoo before you get it tattooed PERMANENTLY on your body.

Especially something as simple as Your and You're it's like people have forgotten about simple primary school based English as soon as they graduate year 6.

I'm staring blankly out of my bedroom window in between writing this Blog, I've never noticed how beautiful snow is before. We spend so much time moaning about it we've never actually stopped to admire it. For something as simple and pointless as snow there's something quite therapeutic about it.

So tell me this, how can something so beautiful and rare (for people in the UK) cause so much destruction and cause such a powerful country to come to a halt?

These past few days schools have been closed, motorways have closed and trains/buses haven't been running. It's quite ridiculous, we knew it was coming too so it's not like it came by surprise.

Maybe the next country who tries to invade us should come with snow cause we sure as hell wont know what to do!

Ah, reader, I think I may draw my first Blog to a close.

I shall leave you with this Quote.

"Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back." - Arthur RubinStein.